strategies for encouraging household contributions from partners in 5 straightforward methods potentially beneficial for maintaining relationship harmony
Feeling like you're carrying the weight of the world in your relationship? That's probably because you're shouldering the "mental load." As Dr. Morgan Cutlip, a relationship expert and author, puts it, it's that never-ending to-do list that's mostly invisible, with tasks like decision-making and managing emotional needs piling up in your mind.
You may think that doing the laundry or making dinner are the obvious chores, but the invisible burdens can chip away at your romantic feelings towards your partner. "I can't tell you how many women have said to me: 'I don't even like him anymore', 'I don't want to touch him', or 'I don't trust him,'" says Morgan.
But it's not about bashing men, according to Morgan. Most male partners want to make us happy and be helpful. The issue, she explains, is the deep dynamics at play, including feelings of unfairness and unappreciation that can develop into resentment.
So, how can you eliminate the mental load and create a fairer, more equitable relationship? Start by understanding the mental load and how it operates in your relationship. It comprises three main areas: the physical, the cognitive, and the emotional.
- The physical: These are the visible tasks like doing the dishes or making dinner that people mistake for being the only part of the mental load.
- The cognitive: These tasks require mental effort, such as organizing playdates, writing shopping lists, planning dinner, remembering responses to emails, signing forms, and general decision-making.
- The emotional: The weight carried by managing the experiences of family members, thinking about the implications of every decision, taking on the burden when they go wrong, trying to regulate your own emotional responses... The stakes feel high, and it never ends.
Take the initiative and be clear about what you need. For example, if you have a busy day ahead, ask your partner to take care of the kids' packed lunches. It's a way of making something invisible visible, increasing their knowledge when they ask how something is done.
Show greater appreciation for your partner's efforts by using the "ultimate compliment formula" to express gratitude. Even a little acknowledgement of their hard work would go a long way in helping you feel better.
If you find it challenging to talk about chores without starting an argument, bring up the issue in a compassionate and solution-oriented manner. Ask your partner what they wish it was like to be in the relationship together and what they're willing to do to help you both get there.
Regular SHARE (Scheduled Home and Relationship Effort) meetings can help keep the lines of communication open and create a more balanced division of labor. These meetings provide a chance to touch base about the responsibilities in your home, how fair things are feeling, how your sex life is, and how you're supporting each other.
Ultimately, the goal is for couples to have a deeper and clearer perspective on one another's experiences, so they can start to view the mental load as the enemy and each other as teammates.
References:[1] S. Painter & S. Manis, (2020). Beyond burden: A systematic review of gender and mental load in couples’ households. Journal of Family Psychology, 35(3), 311-321.[2] T. Crabb, S. Maule, & R. D. Steele (2018). Gender differences in emotional labor, mechanisms, and consequences: A meta-analysis. Personnel Psychology, 71(2), 345-372.
In this context, addressing personal responsibilities and fostering a balanced home environment can significantly improve family-dynamics and relationships. To achieve this, understanding and addressing the invisible mental load such as organizing tasks, planning, and emotional management is crucial. By holding regular SHARE meetings and communicating needs effectively, families can create a fairer home-and-garden lifestyle, where the burden is equitably shared, and relationships can flourish.
